


hard to find a reason when all you have is doubts

by the_one_that_fell



Series: just two kids without their jackets [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Coming Out, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 07:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11915757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_one_that_fell/pseuds/the_one_that_fell
Summary: Bitty and Jack have a late-night conversation on the roof, and Jack reveals a startling thought he's had about the future.





	hard to find a reason when all you have is doubts

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted to [tumblr.](http://alphacrone.tumblr.com/post/164648944167/an-au-in-which-jack-contemplates-abandoning-his)
> 
> An idea that popped into my head after re-reading [this scene](http://omgcheckplease.tumblr.com/post/133607116067) and noticing Jack’s hesitation while discussing going into the NHL.

“Sometimes...sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it.” 

Bitty looked up at Jack. They’d been sitting out on the roof for near half an hour now, and Jack hadn’t said a word in all that time. Bitty had talked some, had tried to fill that silence with idle chatter, but after a while he’d given up and let his own thoughts drift elsewhere. 

“If... _ what’s _ worth it?” Bitty asked, afraid of the answer. 

“Hockey,” Jack said quietly, as if he were afraid of someone overhearing. “My therapist- after rehab, my therapist told me I needed to cut out toxic things from my life, toxic people.” 

“Parson?” Bitty ventured cautiously. Jack nodded. 

“Him. A few of the other guys from the Q. I couldn’t just stop talking to any of my uncles, but I did try to be around some of them a little less. I unsubscribed from getting ESPN email alerts and sold the TV in my bedroom and kept my phone on airplane mode for a really long time so I wouldn’t get online and read all those things people said about me.” He took a deep breath and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. “What if...what if  _ hockey _ is a toxic thing? What if I should be trying to live a normal life?”

“You love hockey,” Bitty said worriedly. “And you seem to be managing your anxiety really well these days-”

“I’m gay,” Jack said suddenly, and Bitty felt his heart skip a couple beats. “Or bi or- I don’t know. I don’t think about it. I- I won’t let myself think about it. It’s been on my list...my list of toxic things. Things I’ve tried to get rid of.” 

“Oh, Jack,” Bitty said, reaching out to touch Jack’s arm. Jack shrugged, but didn’t pull his arm away. 

“I can’t be out and play. I can’t.” Jack closed his eyes, and Bitty realized he was hiding tears. “And I thought if I just...ignored that part of me, it’d be okay. If I could play hockey, I wouldn’t need things like love or I could find a girl or  _ something _ but...well, you know what it’s like to hide that part of you. You know how much it hurts.” 

Bitty nodded, too afraid to speak for the lump in his throat. He scooted closer and leaned his head against Jack’s shoulder. Jack slumped at the touch, like he’d been trying to hold himself up to hide his pain from Bitty. 

“What if the best thing to do is walk away?” Jack asked. “Finish up this season and then just...do something else? Like any other college athlete.” 

“You could,” Bitty said, eyes stinging. “You could do whatever you wanted. You could be an average Joe like the rest of us.” He tried to smile as he teased, but everything fell a bit flat. A tear fell down his cheek and Bitty pressed his face into Jack’s arm. “Why should you have to give up something you love to be yourself? It’s not fair…” 

“No, it’s not,” Jack said, voice cracking. “But maybe it’d be worth it.”

Bitty looked out over their neighborhood. It was a Wednesday evening and most the houses were dark. The streetlights in this area were far and few in between, and the stars above were mostly hidden by clouds. No moon shone down on them, and Bitty wondered if this was why Jack had found the courage to come out to Bitty; here, the two of them masked in darkness, it felt like they could say anything and things would be okay. 

“I don’t feel anxiety towards school much,” Jack continued, surreptitiously wiping at his eyes. “Or socializing, or the idea of working in an office somewhere. I mean, I know quitting wouldn’t cure me,” he said with a bitter laugh. “But all of the pressure of trying to be my father’s son...what if that’s the thing I should’ve cut out?”

“You’d be amazing at whatever you chose to do, Jack,” Bitty said. “You work so hard at things you love.” 

“I could say the same about you,” Jack said, nudging Bitty with his elbow. “Maybe I’ll get a master’s in Business and when you graduate we could open up that bakery you’re always talking about. Or I could use my mom’s contacts to get you a publishing deal, and I could be your manager.” 

Bitty bit his lip. “You really wanna keep bossing me around, huh, Cap?” 

Jack laughed and Bitty closed his eyes, relishing the sound. When he opened them again, Jack was watching him, looking fond and a bit sad. 

“Would you want to work with me, after I graduated?” Bitty asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious. “I’d be a terrible business partner…” 

“No, you wouldn’t,” Jack said. “I’ve watched you record your blog thing, and I’ve seen the way you mentor the Frogs. I think you’d put 100% of yourself into a project you loved. I think you could be a real role model for a lot of kids out there, given the right platform. And I’d want to be a part of that.” 

“Oh.” Bitty felt his cheeks heating up and was grateful for the darkness that hid his blush. “Wow. I...I don’t know what to say to that, really.” 

“It’s just a thought,” Jack murmured. “You’re young, you don’t have to worry about these things yet.” 

“You’re not old, Jack,” Bitty scolded. “You don’t have to know these things yet either.” 

Jack shrugged. “I feel old.” 

With a hefty sigh, Bitty wriggled his way under Jack’s arm, until he was pressed up against his chest. He wrapped his arms around Jack tightly, squeezing him in the biggest Bittle bear hug he could manage. Jack wrapped an arm around his shoulder and let him hug the living daylights out of Jack. “You’re not old and you can do whatever the heck you want to do. And I’d be honored to be your business partner. No, I’m serious-” he added when Jack snorted. “I can’t think of anything I’d want to do more after Samwell than something- _anything_  with you.” 

Jack pulled him closer and, though he couldn’t be certain, Bitty thought he felt Jack’s lips at the top of his head. He let out a breath and leaned his head against Jack’s chest. 

“Whatever you choose to do,” Bitty said. “You’ve got a whole team here that’ll support you. And you don’t have to choose tonight.” 

Jack was silent for a long moment, and Bitty was afraid maybe he’d overstepped somehow. But when Jack whispered, “Thanks, Bittle,” his voice was wet and croaky, and Bitty understood. “Can you- can we stay out here a little longer? And just...be?” He asked, sounding a decade younger and more vulnerable than Bitty had ever heard. 

“Sure, sweetheart,” Bitty whispered, ignoring his own slip and the heat in his cheeks. “We can do that.” 

Jack tightened his arm around Bitty’s shoulders and brought his free hand up to rest on Bitty’s knee. For a long while after they sat cloaked in the safety of night, two scared boys clinging to each other at the prospect of tomorrow.  

**Author's Note:**

> If you like my writing, please check out my project, [The Discourt Knife.](http://thediscourtknife.com/) (Also found on [tumblr here.)](http://thediscourtknife.tumblr.com/)


End file.
